Hiccups
by hpgirl
Summary: Severus gets the hiccups and he can't get rid of them. Then Dumbledore gets involved... complete


A/N: I don't own Harry Potter, as much as I wish I did, JK Rowling does, and I ain't making any money out of this, I just wrote it because I felt inspired. If you don't like Severus/Hermione stories then click on that back arrow at the top of your browser window… In this story Hermione is of age and not studying at the school.

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**Hiccups**

Thank god the day was almost over. The week too for that matter, only one more full day to go. But today, Thursday had been especially unpleasant. He'd just had the first-year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. Ravenclaws, he thought, were supposed to be intelligent and Hufflepuffs hardworking. The class just before lunch should have been an easy one to teach… but nooooo. Today the fates had been cruel, evil masters who were conspiring to torture him, bringing him to the very brink of his sanity.

One Callum Xavier, a Hufflepuff, had made his fourth cauldron of the month explode. Callum Xavier was the one student who could make Severus long for the days of Neville Longbottom, he was that bad. This time it was worse though, Severus had been standing near the cauldron at the time and had inhaled the fumes.

_ Hick._

And that was the side effect of the potion vapours. The hiccups.

As soon as he had started he had gone to his store cupboards and drank the anti-hiccupping potion he kept stored there and for a moment they seemed to have stopped until…

_ Hick._

Now he was currently being forced join the others in the staff room for a lunchtime staff meeting, headmaster's orders. He noticed each time he hiccupped everyone's gazed shifted to him and then shifted back to whoever was speaking. But then it wasn't all bad. It gave him another opportunity to see…

"Have you tried one of your potions Severus?" asked Minerva McGonagall.

"What?" asked Severus snapping out of his reverie and glaring at the deputy headmistress. "I hardly -hick- think that this is an appropriate topic of -hick- conversation for a staff meeting Minerva!"

"I do," she replied staring back at him evenly. "Especially since it's on the agenda."

Severus looked down, and there in black and white, under Any Other Business was the title "Severus's Hiccups". He looked up and glared at everyone in the room. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Granger smirking. He turned slightly and tried to glare at her some more, but this only seemed to encourage her, and her smile looked so inviting… _Not that Hermione would ever feel any thing like that for me… she'd probably laugh!_

"So Severus? Have you?"

"Yes I have Minerva, -hick- as soon as I started hiccupping."

"Held your breath for two minutes?" suggested Flitwick.

"Yes."

"A glass of water?" asked Hermione. He noticed that she was biting her lip. _Probably to keep from laughing at her silly old Potions professor who can't even get rid of something as simple as hiccups._

"Yes. Three -hick- in fact," he said turning away.

"A spoonful of sugar?" suggested Madame Pomfrey.

"Yes," he said gruffly.

"Well I think that's it then," said McGonagall. "You'll be hiccupping for the rest of your life."

"Actually," said the headmaster with a twinkle in his eye, "there is one solution that he can't have tried."

"Yes, -hick- headmaster?" asked Severus.

"When I was a child and I got the hiccups, my friends used to try and shock me, and that got rid of them immediately. Admittedly, it got harder as I got older… but we just need to find the right trigger for you."

"Headmaster," said Severus, sceptically. "I was a Death -hick- Eater for nineteen years. There is little that can shock me."

"Really Severus? Are you sure? Are you willing to put that to the test?"

Severus nodded, wondering what the headmaster was up to.

"We shall see," said the headmaster enigmatically. "I propose a contest. We each get one chance to shock Severus, who ever stops his hiccups wins. And as further incentive to you all… I shall offer a prize of not one but two first edition books from my private library. If no one can shock you into getting rid of them then you get the prize. Agreed Severus?"

There was a low murmur among the teachers. The headmasters' library was the envy of most wizards, filled with first edition copies of many rare books, of which there was one very rare edition of the Potions Almanac that Severus had coveted since he'd seen it in the Headmasters' office as a student.

He nodded, hiccupping and secretly wondering which other book he would take from the Headmasters' library.

"Who would like to take part?"

Three people raised their hands.

"Well then, I wish you all luck," said Dumbledore smiling.

* * *

"Now class," said Severus turning from the blackboard to stare malevolently at the group of Gryffindors and Slytherins, "which of you can tell me the names of the two –hick- ingredients on this board should never –hick- be mixed? Mr Harris!"

"Bezoar and Jobberknoll feather?"

"Is that a guess Mr Harris?"

"Y-yes, sir."

"Did you do the homework that I set you over –hick- the weekend, or did you play –hick- Quidditch all weekend and get someone else to do it instead, because you got it –hick- right on the paper. Detention Mr Harris, and I will –hick- be talking to Professor McGonagall about this. Does anyone know the correct –hick- answer?"

He waved at a Slytherin who had put her hand up. "Five points to –hick- Slytherin."

The door opened but no one came through, Severus walked to the door and slammed it shut again.

"Now, take out your parchment and list the ingredients for each…"

_ Is it just me or am I suddenly growing taller?_

No, it wasn't, he was floating, his feet above the heads of all the students.

"Oh, come -hick- off it," he said aloud when he landed. "It's going to take a lot more than a levi –hick- tation charm to get your hands on those books. One –hick- down five to go."

Someone pulled off an Invisibility Cloak. It was Flitwick. "Drat!"

* * *

"So, Severus," asked Dumbledore as Severus poured gravy over his Yorkshire pudding, "how is our little competition coming along?"

"Very well -hick-" said Severus with a small smirk. "I'm looking forward to reading your Potions almanac. Or should I say my almanac. Flitwick's attempt failed abysmally, and if that's a sign of the calibre of my opponents then I'll be able to do it standing on my head. The only thing that the old goat managed to do was disrupt my class while they were making some delicate potions."

"Well, you just have three more opponents to go."

"Two."

"No Severus, three, one more person signed up after everyone else had left."

"Who?"

"They have asked me not to say, and I decided to abide by their wishes. It may add to the shock value," said Dumbledore.

_ He's up to something, _thought Severus, those eyes of his are doing that infernal twinkling thing again.

"If you'll excuse me, Albus, there is some marking that I need to tend to urgently."

_ That's not like her,_ thought Severus. _I wonder what she's up to._

He didn't need to wait for long, ten minutes later a tiger entered the great hall and headed straight for the teachers table. Some of the younger students started to scream

"Very –hick- funny, Professor McGonagall," he said in a bored tone. "I still remember the –hick- day when you did that in my Transfiguration class."

The tiger transformed. "Darn it," said the Professor, frustrated at losing her only chance of getting her hands on a rare Transfiguration manual.

"Two down, two to go."

* * *

After the Professor McGonagall's attempt to cure his hiccups he finished his dinner Severus, went straight to his quarters and took another sip of his hiccup cure.

–Hick- _Blast, it still isn't working. _After that he went to check on some of his own little projects and marked the seventh-year Slytherin's assignments. Then he went to bed.

Mercifully, Kade, and the other remaining contestant left him alone for the whole day. In hindsight, he thought, this should have made him a little nervous, but it didn't.

* * *

After his last class of the week Severus headed back to his rooms, he moved his wand to take the wards down so that he could get in but they were already gone. He gripped his wand tighter, braced himself and stepped inside. Hermione was already in his quarters facing the window, but he could tell it was her. To him, there were two things that made her stand out from anyone else, her superior intellect that had allowed her to become the youngest teacher in Hogwarts for five centuries was the first, and her untameable hair the other. No one else in the wizarding world had hair quite like hers.

"Miss Granger," he asked surprised that she had bothered to come down to see him. "Is there anything that I can help you with?" It felt strange, seeing her in his quarters, but he had to admit that he liked it.

"Yes, Snape," she said, her voice cold. "You can stop staring at me like a lost little puppy who can't find its way."

"I don't," said Severus, his voice strained.

"Yes you do," she said in that cold voice that sent unpleasant shivers down his spine. "I see it in your eyes. I saw you staring at me during the staff meeting, you've been doing it since I came back."

He didn't want to admit it but it was true. He'd first started to notice her in her seventh year after the final battle in the Christmas holidays. She had saved his life using a complicated shielding charm. It was soon after the battle he'd realised that she wasn't a little-know-it-all anymore, but a strong confident woman.

"I haven't been staring at you," he said feebly.

"Yes, you have, even Trelawney's started to notice, and she's as blind as a bat in daylight."

"Out," he said anger bubbling up inside of him.

"You're a snarling, hooked-nosed, sallow-skinned vampire who likes to get his jollies by scaring little children. I'm a young intelligent witch who has her whole life ahead of her. Why the hell would I want an old bat like you?"

"OUT!" he shouted this time, feeling shaken by what she was saying, because he knew that it was true.

"How long since you had a woman? Ten years? Twenty?"

He didn't respond, he just hiccupped.

"Have you ever been with a woman? Don't tell me that Severus Snape the great Head of Slytherin, nightmare to all students, is still a v…"

"I SAID GET -hick- OUT!" he shouted, grabbing her by the arm and shoving her out the door.

He moved to his desk and sat down in his chair cupping his head in his hands, trying to regain his composure.

A few moments later there was a knock at the door.

Severus took a breath. -Hick- "Come," he replied, pulling his customary cold mask on.

Professor Kent, the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher stuck his head around the door. "So, Snape, did you like my little Boggart?"

The rage that he'd almost got rid of earlier had come bag in full force.

"THAT WAS A BOGGART?!?!?" he shouted.

"Yes," said Professor Kent weakly.

"I'll do better than -hick- tell you how I liked it, I'll show you." And in one fluid motion he picked up the potion bottle on his desk and tipped the contents on Professor Kent's head.

One of Xavier's potions. Ten seconds later the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher was two inches tall. "-Hick- That give you enough of a clue?" he asked with a small fleeting smile.

"Ten points to Hufflepuff, Mr Xavier, for correctly making a Shrinking Solution."

* * *

Severus entered the Great Hall promptly at six o'clock, still hiccupping.

_ Hermione, no Granger_, entered at the same time from another door and headed straight for him. _No, _he told himself sharply, _for the Head table._

"You're blocking –hick- my way, Granger," he said gruffly.

"Hermione," she replied with a raised eyebrow. "I've been teaching here for three years, and you still can't call me by my name!"

He arranged his face into a mask. "Out –hick- of my way Granger."

"Hermione."

Everyone in the hall was now looking at the scene before them with mild interest, and it hadn't escaped his attention.

Neither it seemed had it escaped Grangers attention, she looked at him smirking. She knew that he didn't like being the centre of attention.

Without warning she grabbed his face and pulled it towards her. She was kissing him. Even more surprising was the fact that he was responding.

After what seemed like only a few moments she broke away and Severus became aware of several students catcalling.

"Guess what Severus," she said, looking into his eyes and smiling.

"What?" he replied, not in the mood for her guessing game.

"You're not hiccupping any more," she said, pulling him into a longer, deeper kiss.

* * *

Later that night…

"So, which books is your collection missing?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"Just a book on Occlumency and a first edition Potions Almanac, both quite rare," said Professor Dumbledore pouring some tea out of his favourite china pot.

Professor McGonagall cooled the tea with her wand and took a sip. "I wasn't aware that Hermione was interested in Potions."

"Indeed," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling.

"You know Minerva," said Dumbledore, leaning back the most comfortable chair in his office. "I'm quite glad that I replaced young Severus's hiccup cure with that hiccup potion."

**The End **

A/N: down on hands and knees Please, please, please review, I really like this little fic of mine and I'd love to know what you all think (and I subscribe too, so don't think I don't know how many people don't review ;) )


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